After not spending more than two nights in a row in the same hotel, Phuket was our time to settle down, relax and revive. For six days we were going to stay at the JW Marriott in Phuket. Of course we had a bit of close call getting to the Bangkok Airport through morning rush hour but we made the flight–yep, we were those people running through the airport…

Arriving in Phuket, we had no idea where our hotel was located and we had to take a longer taxi ride to the northern part of the island. It was about 45 minutes away from “the next settlement”. Now we know that there’s a difference to Phuket Island and Phuket City. It was a beautiful resort at the beach. Of course I immediately started to panic–6 days of beach. No tours? No plans? What the hell are we going to do?

The plan had always been–do nothing, relax and recover. Our schedule up to this point had been pretty hectic. I begin immediately referring to our fancy resort as “The Ranch”. Many of my sentences started with “Meanwhile, back at the ranch…”

Here are our 6 days on the island of Phuket:

Day one–admire our great room and check out the various bars at the ranch. We also check out the restos. Since we are pretty far from anywhere else, there is price gouging at all the places on the ranch.

We watch the sunset while Marc joins (too much of a sportsman too dominate–but he easily could have) a game of beach volleyball. I was happy to be the photographer.

Day two–start with lavish buffet breakfast and my plate mainly consists of cheese. Have I mentioned that I miss cheese badly? Because Marc is a gold status member, not only do wet get a room upgrade, but a complimentary breakfast–hence the daily lavish buffets. Admittedly we were gluttons the entire time. The breakfast was really good.

We make a much overdue visit to the spa for mani-pedis. After we are through with our treatments, we are starting to feel like ourselves again.

We are starting to really relax. I am feeling calm and peaceful–despite the noisy Russians. Marc commented that the Ruble must be doing really well for the amount of Gucci clad Russians there were at the ranch.

Day three–a day trip to the stunning Phi Phi Islands. We start with a long boat ride to the place where the Leonardo di Caprio movie “The Beach” was filmed. It was just amazing, but full of Russians…

We went snorkeling off the back of the boat in what seemed like an aquarium. There were the most incredible fish–of all colours. Sadly our camera is not water resistant (I tested it out in the rice paddy, remember?) so unfortunately we don’t have any under water pictures.

We went to Monkey Island and just as you most likely guessed, it was full of monkeys. Of course the Russians wouldn’t stop feeding them. I was happy to take their picture–from a safe distance…

Another stop on our excursion was Egg Island. Marc wanted to go snorkeling again–so with a small bribe of a horrible cocktail, I joined him.

At Egg Island–you had to swim out from the beach to the reef. Did we mention the beach was full of Russians? The women are absolutely shameless–wearing underwear that someone must of told them passed for a bikini (perhaps if it was in black…) and the men all have big bellies, little Speedos, a cigarette hanging out of their mouths and a thick gold chain with an orthodox cross. Oh–la Russie!

We get out into the water and have already been warned to watch the coral. The water is very shallow. We start swimming with our gear. I am really not pleased that Marc has pinched me–hard. This isn’t like him–clearly he didn’t know how hard he got me. I lift my head out of the water to tell him that he hurt me. He was meters away from me. I have been bitten by a fish!

I frantically paddle myself over to him. As I am explaining what happened, another fish corrals me in the coral. I am using my flippers to get the fish to back the eff off, but he is standing or shall I say guarding his turf. He won’t let me go. I panic. In an effort to break free of the gangsta fish, I make my move, wallop my ankle in the coral and at that moment I am done. Done. I can’t swim fast enough to the shore.

We take the boat back to the marina and call it a day. The fish bite (yes indeed there was a scab) lasted longer than the nasty coral welt.

Day 4–we decide to head into Royal Phuket City. We are desperate for laundry and to have it done at the ranch is a small fortune. We take the ranch shuttle and I won’t stop singing a made up song to the tune of “Once in Royal David City…”. We hired a driver, found a tailor to mend Marc’s leopard pants (I did offer to sew, but he flat out refused my offer. He married a girl that can embroider, not mend) and increase the length of my hot pink kimono (didn’t take sitting into consideration). We also found a woman, who would do all of our laundry for the cost two golf shirts at the ranch.

We kill time by visiting the local markets, temples, massages (Thai massages are assisted yoga) and having cheap and cheerful food. We picked up our clean clothes and took an earlier shuttle back to the ranch. Royal Phuket City is a bit of a dive.

Day 5–we have a lie in and get a massage on the beach. It is assisted yoga once again and like all my massages in Thailand, the Thai woman starts walking on me. Yep, I have a small Thai woman taking a stroll up the back of my legs.

We hang out by the pool and read our books. We have a leisurely lunch by the pool and then in the late afternoon start getting ready for Pa Tong Beach. The place where we thought we were staying and all the action is.

We have it planned–watch the sun set, have a nice dinner, then head to see the drag queens as per Jeff’s recommendation.

This is where the story takes an unexpected turn…

I have seen Marc officially lose his shit three times.

The first time was when we went to see Sound of Music and Jenna was playing Maria, not Elisha (we avidly watched “How do you solve a problem like Maria”–the open casting competition). Marc was so upset we had the runner up, we ended up seeing it twice–once with Elisha and once with Jenna.

The second time I saw it was when we had been married for exactly one month. Marc lost his wedding band in our bedroom. Our cleaning lady sucked it up the next morning with a vacuum and of course threw away the bag (I bought him a replacement band the following day and we found it in the laundry room one week later).

The third time was in Pa Tong Beach when he didn’t see the drag queens…

After a good Thai dinner, we start looking for the lady boys. My Germ has never seen lady boys perform. He now has his heart set on it. Jeff didn’t tell us exactly where to go, just that their performance was a must see. We went from one end of Pa Tong Beach to the other, being barraged the entire time with:

Where are you from?
Want a tuk tuk?
Want to get a suit made?
Come inside my store–looking is free!

We are quickly realizing that we needed the time at the ranch. This kind of harassment was getting old quickly.

Marc is going crazy that we can’t find the lady boys. Crazy. He is having a full melt down. Finally we have a few drinks (at a rowdy back packer bar) with the promise that my lovelies will take him to Church Street and he can get his fill of drag queens. Sulking, he relented, but assured me that it wouldn’t be the same. Jeff–you should not have told us about the stage on fire…

Day 6–we have our monster breakfast and Marc lets me know (I don’t know why he didn’t mention this before) that there are small packages of both Nutella and peanut butter. His cargo pockets are stuffed full by the time I am done.

We spend a bit of time by the pool which is quiet because all of the Russians have left. We check out. We are on passage to India!